DEFINITION OF
INFIDELITY
Marital Infidelity , Cheating
Spouses, Cheaters, Cheating Husbands, Cheating Wives, Marriage
Infidelity , Marriage Infidelity, Adultery or whatever you may
call it, is literally a breach of faith. Fidelity, derived from
the Latin word for faithfulness, is the principle of not
deceiving one capable of being deceived. Marital Infidelity or
adultery is a breach of good faith that applies in a number of
other contexts (for example religious). In the context of this
article about close relationships, infidelity is referred to as
cheating, which is 'any violation of the mutually agreed-upon
rules or boundaries of a relationship'. Infidelity does not
require sexual behavior to qualify as infidelity. The definition
of what constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and
within cultures. People in a close relationship may have very
different ideas and perceptions of infidelity. A husband cheated
by his wife is referred to as a Cuckold but no equivalent word
exists for a woman cheated by her husband. The term describes a
married man whose wife has sex with other men and commit
adultery.
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Fidelity also refers to the accuracy and integrity of
self-representation, honesty or candor in an intimate, committed
relationship. Integrity may be defined as 'the inner sense of
wholeness deriving from honesty and consistent uprightness of
character.' Marital Infidelity is a breach of that integrity
through the use of deception by one party to a committed and not
necessarily monogamous relationship. This breach is experienced
as a betrayal of an explicit or implicit agreement between the
partners to not keep secret those matters now the subject of
deception. 'Deception is the covert manipulation of perception
to alter thoughts, feeling, or beliefs.'
Although the definition of "adultery"
differs in nearly every legal system, the common theme is sexual relations
outside of marriage, in one form or another.
For example, New York defines an
adulterer as a person who "engages in sexual intercourse with
another person at a time when he has a living spouse, or the other
person has a living spouse." While in North Carolina adultery is
when any a man and woman who "lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed
and cohabit together." Minnesota defines adultery as: "when a
married woman has sexual intercourse with a man other than her
husband, whether married or not, both are guilty of adultery".
Adultery was known in earlier
times by the legalistic term "criminal conversation" (another
term, alienation of affection, is used when one spouse deserts
the other for a third person).
A marriage in which both
spouses agree that it is acceptable for the husband or wife to
have sexual relationships with other people other than their
spouse is a form of nonmonogamy. The resulting sexual
relationships the husband or wife has with other people,
although could be considered to be cheating, infidelity,
adultery in some legal jurisdictions, are not treated as such by
the spouses.
Some cultures have a
distinguished interpretation of the term infidelity or cheating
spouse: in some legal systems, it might be tolerated as long as
it does not fit the jurisdiction's legal definition of adultery.
On the other hand, infidelity is not only a sexual term, but is
the Latin word "unfaithful" (fides: faith). (Having no
faith can also mean the religious belief.
The word 'affair', as used here,
describes a form of nonmonogamy. When a relationship of two or
more people breaches a monogamous agreement with a spouse, then
the term infidelity or marital infidelity may be more apt. A
relationship involving infidelity tends to exclude one or both
spouses of those partner's involved in the affair. The phrase
'emotional affair' may be used to describe a chaste infidelity.
It is an affair that remains at the 'emotional' level as long as
it is without objective, overt sexual consummation.
Theoretically an emotional affair could be consummated alone, as
a sexual fantasy. This may sometimes occur while engaging in
sexual relations with the spouse who is being betrayed.
Disclaimers such as 'we didn't
have sex, so it doesn't matter' may be used to neutralize the
sense of extra marital wrong doing by one or both partner's of
an emotional affair. They can be portrayed in fictional writing
or drama as life changing experiences (good or bad), and they
are the often the subject of racy romance stories that teeter on
the edge. However, they can also be catastrophic for all
concerned when it is a relationship that is clandestine,
unsanctioned and exposed as more than just friendship.
Sometimes an emotional affair
can be more damaging to a committed relationship than if it were
a 'one night stand' or 'just about the sex'. The interpersonal
attraction may be a result of propinquity (physical or
psychological proximity), physical attraction or a perceived
lack of interpersonal chemistry in the primary relationship.
What infidelity means depends on who you ask
and the statistics are of course, misleading. Sexual feelings in an emotional
affair are necessarily denied in order to maintain the illusion that it is just
special friendship. Affair surveys are unlikely to explore what is denied. Many
people in affair surveys are not honest with themselves nor with the
interviewer.
What is emotional cheating?
This type of affair is often
characterized by:
- Inappropriate
emotional intimacy.
The partner being unfaithful may spend inappropriate or
excessive time with someone of the opposite or same gender
(time not shared with the faithful partner). He or she may
confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and
may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with
their new partner than with their existing spouse. Any time
that an individual invests more emotionally into a
relationship with someone besides their partner the existing
partnership may suffer.
-
Deception and secrecy.
Those involved may not tell their partners about the amount
of time they spend with each other. An individual involved
in this type of affair may, for example, tell his or her
spouse that they are doing other activities when they are
really meeting with someone else. Or the unfaithful spouse
may exclude any mention of the other person while discussing
the day’s activities to conceal the rendezvous. Even if no
physical intimacy occurs, the deception does shows clearly
that those involved believe they are doing something wrong
that undermines the existing relationship. In other words,
if there was really no harm in meeting with a friend, both
parties would feel comfortable telling their partners the
truth about where they are meeting and what they are
discussing.
- An emotional
triangle.
One that may only be known to the unfaithful, who then
struggles to keep the other two from knowing of the impact
of one upon the other. Denial will likely characterise the
unfaithful person's response to an invitation by their
spouse to reflect on the competing demands of the other
person.
- Sexual and
emotional chemistry.
Emotional affairs may not always lead to physical intimacy,
but some do. The time between the first meeting and a first
kiss can often be very lengthy, but the time between the
first kiss and sexual intercourse may be very short. In most
of these affairs, however, an unspoken attraction exists. A
partner may spend extra time getting ready before seeing
this "friend" or may buy new clothing or change their
appearance in order to seem attractive to them. They may
obsess anticipating phone calls, emails or text messages.
- Denial.
Denial of the presence of sexual behavior, sexuality or even
of an atom of limerence. "Limerence is an involuntary
cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an
intense romantic desire for another person. It is
characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced
sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition
of the limerent object towards the individual."
- Betrayal.
There is an implicit betrayal of shared beliefs about the
sanctity of being a soulmate, of being in love and of being
faithful to those core values of intimacy perceived by the
spouse not involved in the affair.
Marital infidelity investigations
statistics states that the workplace has become the best place for married
people who engage in infidelity to meet the other person.
An office romance, work romance, or corporate
affair is a romance that occurs between two people who work
together in the same office, work location, or business. The relationship
between affair partners at work can be as wide as intern and president; company
CEO and member of the board; supervisor and supervisee; company representative
and client; boss and secretary, and so on. And it can be between peers or
colleagues at the same level in the organization.
Office romances are generally believed to be
unhelpful to the welfare and effectiveness of the business and to the network of
relationships that comprise it. Thus they are discouraged and even prohibited by
company policy. Both men and women can be guilty of sleeping their way to the
top. The suspicion that an advantage is gained by 'sleeping with the boss' in a
competitive environment ensures that these transactions occur by stealth. To
have a powerful influence on the opportunities placed in one's path, one does
not have to engage in sexual intercourse. A special relationship could be enough
to gain leverage where business opportunities are in short supply. This fuzzy
boundary can be nuanced by practiced players in order to provide deniability
when required. The usual cover-ups include: 'we're just friends' or 'we were
just working late at the office' or 'it was just a conference thing, it meant
nothing'.
Neither does one have to be
directly involved in the affair for the knowledge of it to be
useful currency — discretion in exchange for advantage.
Office infidelity affairs may
involve a power differential in both heterosexual and same sex
liaisons. If the affair ends badly it is almost always the least
powerful who gives up their job and the more powerful who stays
or gets promoted out of the area as a solution. Increasingly
employers will insert office romance disclosure clauses in
employment contracts. Where the affair or its non-disclosure is
in breach of that contract, the clandestine edge is heightened.
Perversely this can increase both the excitement of the affair
and the later damage to collegiate relationships and the
company's good name. A witch hunt can ensue.
Work Affairs or cheating begin
one conversation at a time, often without either party admitting
to themselves that they intend a deeper connection. 'It just
happened' may be the subsequent claim. In fact, the time between
a so-called innocent beginning and the first kiss is usually
considerable, but the time between that kiss and sexual
intercourse is usually short. People involved in this way can
appear to themselves to have landed in trouble very quickly,
when in fact there was a slow fuse burning long before ignition.
(Shirley Glass 'Not Just Friends')
This process of engaging and
disengaging an office affair or infidelity or cheating, requires
careful and non-punitive examination at every level of the
organization in order to understand affair dynamics at work.
That will assist in preventing breaches of employment contracts
where that is possible. The challenges of that process suggest
the value of family friendly employment conditions, as quite
often it is the betrayed spouse who literally shoots the
co-workers believed to have been complicit in the affair.
Usually a number of people are
involved in keeping the secret of the work affair or infidelity
at work. It is clearly down to each individual — company policy
means as little as a marriage contract when it comes to illicit
work affairs.
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